I really hate this word. Why? Because commitment to me means that I’m stuck with something, regardless of how I’m feeling about it, except the fact that it’s an obligation I must keep because I promised I would. It means that I can’t change my mind and back out quietly. It means I have no more say in what I want to do.
Holy shit. I just realized that this is exactly what happens when we commit to Christ. Also when we get married.
It’s a scary thought not to be able to have control over my life, and I am a person that needs to be sure of things. I love plans. My whole life has been a big, convoluted plan, full of schedules, endless ‘to do’ lists, and things I ‘need’ to get done in order to get where I want to be in life.
HA. This is so funny to me now because if I look at where I am now in relation to where I wanted to be, I am nowhere near it. In fact, I find that after years of planning and doing things the ‘right’ way, I know absolutely nothing! I don’t know what I want, I don’t know where I’m going, and therefore, I don’t know which path to take. I don’t even know what paths there are.
The thing is that I finally am somewhat getting used to not knowing where I’m going or what I’m doing. When I first graduated from university, I was a total wreck. I was freaking out because for the first time in my life I had no plan. I didn’t have a job (full time or for the summer) and I wasn’t going to go back to school. All I had was a piece of paper saying that I spent the past 4 years learning about something that I’m not even sure I will actually pursue anymore. That’s the biggest shock that’s come out of university: once I was finished, I had less of a clue of what I wanted to do because I enjoyed all aspects of theatre (and still do) and didn’t particularly feel a tug to specialize in one area or another.
Ah, the beauty of realizing you know nothing. Yes, it scared the living daylights out of me. But it’s getting better and I’m learning to embrace the unknown because only in the unknown are there possibilities. In the unknown I am free to explore and discover what really makes me happy according to me, not to some fancy paper I got from a university.
I think we all feel that we owe something to what we went to school for and that’s fine, as long as it still makes us happy. Don’t get me wrong. I love my degree and all the things I learned about theatre. Most importantly, however, I think I learned a great deal about myself: my strengths, my limitations, my successes and failures.
Wow, this all seems like a lot of fluff, but I don’t care; I’m just writing what comes to mind.
I think the bottom line of all this is that I need to realize that I keep changing and my plans will change accordingly, and THAT’S OKAY. That’s how it’s supposed to work. Many of my profs said in university, “Nothing is precious; if it doesn’t fit, get rid of it.” They were talking about papers or projects, but now I realize this to be bigger than that. Plans are great; they’re what keep you dreaming toward the future and help motivate you to get where you want to go. At the same time, though, don’t be grieved when something else comes up and your plans change. Don’t be afraid that you’ll regret not doing something that seemed really important at one point because chances are that the new thing you are about to do is a better fit right now and will actually lead to closer to where you want to truly be. AKA, Joyanne, stop worrying that you won’t get to live in England; something better might be coming your way. And just because it doesn’t happen now, doesn’t mean it still can’t happen. The Lord will provide…
There’s no such thing as ruining your life (as per Sophie Kinsella in The Undomestic Goddess. Good book; read it). As long as you have hope, your life is not ruined. Only when you give up have you ruined your life.
So, I started with commitment and look where that got me. How do I tie in commitment to all that I have said…
As wonderful as going with the flow is, at some point you need to make a decision and stick with it. Why? Because that’s where the true test of faith lies, not in running away, but staying put and working through the problems that come up. Like in marriage.
Yeah… knowing that doesn’t make me feel any better about commitment. I guess I’ve got a lot of unplanning to do before I get there.
This makes no sense. I don’t care.
P.s. Maybe this is happening because of the full moon. Yes, it does have power over us.