Truth and Dare

I’m going to try and be really honest here…

I have a really hard time believing that I’m worth a lot. Because I make mistakes and don’t do things perfectly, I feel like I’m not worthy to receive good things. I feel like I need to suffer.

Why is that? If someone were to tell me this about themselves, I’d automatically tell them that’s crazy, that of course they’re worthy to receive good things and be loved. When I’m thinking about myself, however, somehow I can’t quite believe that’s true. Isn’t that always the case, that we see the good in everyone else but ourselves?

I think this must have all started when I was a kid. I was bullied a lot in elementary school, called ugly, fat (by the time I reached puberty age), and made to feel like nobody liked me. I think part of it might have had to do with the fact that my mom taught my grade 1 class. Actually, if I think about it, I don’t really remember being bullied in kindergarten… huh. But I know for a fact that the kids in my class called me ugly or crybaby when I was in grade 1. Wow… I always thought that maybe my mom being our teacher had something to do with it all, but I don’t think I ever really gave the option serious thought. Or, at least, I never thought about the difference between kindergarten and grade 1. But there definitely is a difference…

As soon as I say that I was bullied in school, I think about people I’ve met that have said, “Oh yeah, but everyone gets bullied a bit,” which then makes me feel like my situation really wasn’t out of the ordinary and if other people could grow up and move past what had happened in childhood, then so could I, and so should I. But here I sit, thinking I’m worth very little, and the bullying really is my only link.

It sucks that something that happened so long ago should still have an effect on me today. Seriously. If someone tells me I’m pretty or gives me some other compliment, though I do say thank you, I secretly don’t get it. It’s so hard to start believing there’s good in you when growing up all you heard from your peers was that you weren’t good at all, weren’t pretty, weren’t cool, weren’t strong.

So, here I sit. And I struggle. But I’m finally taking the initiative to get better. I’m sick of feeling like shit about myself. I’m sick of feeling like I’m not worth anything. I’m sick of always working so hard to try and get people to like me. Can’t I just be myself? Isn’t that what we hear from our parents or teachers growing up, “Just be yourself”? Because if people don’t like you for who you are, then they’re not worth having your life.

Okay, so if I’m being honest with myself about who I am, here goes nothing:

1. I love making random noises

2. I sometimes speak gibberish

3. I am a picky eater

4. I like church

5. I am afraid of love

6. I have been single my entire life

7. I am afraid of death

8. Loud bodily functions makes me laugh

9. It takes very little to make me cry

10. I sleep with a stuffed cat my Baba gave me when I was 4

11. I have no idea where I’m going in life and that scares the shit out of me

12. I still live at home

13. I feel lonely a lot of the time

14. I’m not a fan of the way alcohol makes me feel

15. I don’t believe in sex before marriage

16. I don’t know where I stand on gay rights

17. I don’t agree with abortion or the harvesting of stem cells (but you can get stem cells from umbilical cords)

18. I love playing with power tools

19. I am a people-pleaser

20. I am a perfectionist

21. I mime

22. I think academia is pretentious

23. I love to sing

24. I love being the centre of attention

25. I hate being naked

26. I don’t take risks

But maybe putting all this out there is a risk.

Joyanne 🙂

 

 

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “Truth and Dare

  1. Teresa

    I’ve been thinking about this a bit too lately. I was also bullied a lot in elementary school (daily) and junior high (occasionally). I haven’t been bullied since then…by anyone other than myself. When I think about it, nobody has ever bullied me as badly or said so many mean things to me, as the things I have said/do say to myself. But at the same time as feeling bad about myself, I also think I turned out to be a really great person and have a lot of wonderful qualities and quirks…..and I know you must feel the same way to some extent- since writing out a revealing list like this takes some courage, and you clearly want to put yourself out there for the world to see, which is awesome!!! Just keep being yourself, and try to be kind, loving and accepting of who you are (and others…#16 *cough cough*)! Treat yourself like your best friend (and I’ll be over here trying to do that too haha)!

    • That’s very true. I am my own worst enemy, but I’m trying to become my best friend, which is why I guess I’m trying to own the good and bad things about myself. Good luck with your journey as well! Nice to know there are other people out there going through the same thing 🙂

  2. Mariann Kirby

    “16. I don’t know where I stand on gay rights”
    May I propose to you this thought:
    If you had written “16. I don’t know where I stand on human rights”
    -or-
    “16. I don’t know where I stand on women’s rights”
    how would that be different?

    • This is a very good point and I see what you’re saying here. The reason why this specific issue is something I’m still working on is because of the Church I was brought up in and its beliefs. I know that’s not what a lot of people want to hear, but it’s the truth. When you’ve been brought up in a community for so long, it’s hard to just discard everything and start over. But I am looking closer towards myself and what I personally believe, and I will say that I am in a more positive frame of mind with respect to homosexuality than I was when I first wrote this post a few months ago. But it’s still a process I’m going through. Again, the point of the post was to get my thoughts out there without being afraid of what others will say.

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