I’m going to try and be really honest here…
I have a really hard time believing that I’m worth a lot. Because I make mistakes and don’t do things perfectly, I feel like I’m not worthy to receive good things. I feel like I need to suffer.
Why is that? If someone were to tell me this about themselves, I’d automatically tell them that’s crazy, that of course they’re worthy to receive good things and be loved. When I’m thinking about myself, however, somehow I can’t quite believe that’s true. Isn’t that always the case, that we see the good in everyone else but ourselves?
I think this must have all started when I was a kid. I was bullied a lot in elementary school, called ugly, fat (by the time I reached puberty age), and made to feel like nobody liked me. I think part of it might have had to do with the fact that my mom taught my grade 1 class. Actually, if I think about it, I don’t really remember being bullied in kindergarten… huh. But I know for a fact that the kids in my class called me ugly or crybaby when I was in grade 1. Wow… I always thought that maybe my mom being our teacher had something to do with it all, but I don’t think I ever really gave the option serious thought. Or, at least, I never thought about the difference between kindergarten and grade 1. But there definitely is a difference…
As soon as I say that I was bullied in school, I think about people I’ve met that have said, “Oh yeah, but everyone gets bullied a bit,” which then makes me feel like my situation really wasn’t out of the ordinary and if other people could grow up and move past what had happened in childhood, then so could I, and so should I. But here I sit, thinking I’m worth very little, and the bullying really is my only link.
It sucks that something that happened so long ago should still have an effect on me today. Seriously. If someone tells me I’m pretty or gives me some other compliment, though I do say thank you, I secretly don’t get it. It’s so hard to start believing there’s good in you when growing up all you heard from your peers was that you weren’t good at all, weren’t pretty, weren’t cool, weren’t strong.
So, here I sit. And I struggle. But I’m finally taking the initiative to get better. I’m sick of feeling like shit about myself. I’m sick of feeling like I’m not worth anything. I’m sick of always working so hard to try and get people to like me. Can’t I just be myself? Isn’t that what we hear from our parents or teachers growing up, “Just be yourself”? Because if people don’t like you for who you are, then they’re not worth having your life.
Okay, so if I’m being honest with myself about who I am, here goes nothing:
1. I love making random noises
2. I sometimes speak gibberish
3. I am a picky eater
4. I like church
5. I am afraid of love
6. I have been single my entire life
7. I am afraid of death
8. Loud bodily functions makes me laugh
9. It takes very little to make me cry
10. I sleep with a stuffed cat my Baba gave me when I was 4
11. I have no idea where I’m going in life and that scares the shit out of me
12. I still live at home
13. I feel lonely a lot of the time
14. I’m not a fan of the way alcohol makes me feel
15. I don’t believe in sex before marriage
16. I don’t know where I stand on gay rights
17. I don’t agree with abortion or the harvesting of stem cells (but you can get stem cells from umbilical cords)
18. I love playing with power tools
19. I am a people-pleaser
20. I am a perfectionist
21. I mime
22. I think academia is pretentious
23. I love to sing
24. I love being the centre of attention
25. I hate being naked
26. I don’t take risks
But maybe putting all this out there is a risk.