I wrote this a few days ago and am now posting it (obviously I’ve gotten less and less proactive about keeping this blog alive… I blame being in show). Anywho, here it is:
~ I had a bit of a moment today. Well, actually, it started last night. My dad works really early in the morning, so he goes to bed around 9pm. I had gotten home around 10pm and proceeded to chill on the couch with my mom when my brother came in with a YouTube video he had just discovered (you can see it here). Well, the three of us were rip-roaring and having a great time laughing at this fantastic video when all of a sudden my dad came in, obviously disgruntled that he couldn’t get to sleep. It was quite an uncomfortable moment.
Granted, I kind of forgot about it until I walked into the kitchen this morning and he was sitting at the kitchen table. All of a sudden I had this wash of shame run over me, followed by guilt (if you don’t remember the difference between shame and guilt, I believe I wrote something about it in a previous post). I knew that I should probably apologize, but I just couldn’t get the words out right then and there. As time passed, I felt more and more uneasy as I went about making my breakfast. My stomach was in knots, I was finding it hard to breathe, my chest was starting to feel tight… it was not a good feeling and I knew that the only way I could get rid of it was to man up and just say sorry. But my courage kept failing me.
I started to think about why it was so hard for me to just say what I needed to. Then, all of a sudden, it hit me. Asking for forgiveness is hard! In order to ask forgiveness, one not only needs to accept that he or she has done something wrong (which in itself is hard because no one likes to be wrong), but then that wrong needs to be projected to someone other than oneself. I don’t know about you, but if knowing I’m wrong is bad enough, it’s so much worse for others to know I’m wrong as well. It’s a blow to my ego. If I project my weakness onto others, then I am liable to be vulnerable, and I hate being vulnerable because vulnerablity feels weakening. AHHHHHH!!!!!
As I kept thinking about forgiveness and what it means, I (again suddenly) realized that if it’s so hard for me to ask forgiveness of my dad, how much harder should it be to ask forgiveness of God, our Father. However, usually I don’t find it so very hard to ask God’s forgiveness if I’m just chatting with Him while I’m in my car or before bed. But maybe that’s my point. Maybe I’m not really thinking about it when I’m doing it. Maybe because I can’t physically see God before me it feels so much easier than asking forgiveness of my physical dad. That’s definitely something to reconsider.
In any case, after I had realized all of these things (and as my dad got up from the table), I bit the bullet and apologized for being super loud the night before. He just said, “Don’t worry about it. I’m sure it’ll pass soon. It’s just frustrating sometimes,” and went downstairs. And then my eyes filled with tears. I think I just felt such a release after all that pressure had built up there for those few minutes and tears were the only way that could happen.
But, hey, I did it! And even if things might not be 100% okay, at least I faced this fear of being vulnerable and exposing my weakness. Maybe that in turn will make me stronger. And that’s worth being vulnerable any day.