Monthly Archives: August 2014

A Sea of Calm is Not So Calm For Me

Well, I’ve done it: I’ve moved to Ottawa. And that’s really all I have to say about that because right now I’m in this place of calm that I really don’t care for. Not calm, as in I feel calm, but calm as in being smack dab in the middle of stillness; of not moving; of stagnant, stifling serenity. I’m simply… waiting, and I hate waiting. What am I waiting for? I’m waiting for life to begin again and that means waiting for school to start. I mean, it’s true that I’ve been doing things and seeing people almost from the moment I got here, but I don’t feel like I’ve done anything yet and that’s what’s bothering me. I know, I know, I’ve only been here 4 days, but knowing that doesn’t change the fact that I feel stuck.

Yes, stuck is the word I’m going to stick with right now, the epitome of feeling like you’re wading through peanut butter. No, even the term ‘wading’ is far too mobile. More like… standing stoically. The thing about standing stoically in peanut butter is that on the outside you seem perfectly okay, calm, serene, and though people may notice you’re in peanut butter, you yourself look fine, so they shrug and move on. However, on the inside you’re screaming, wanting to move, to stop being a statue, to break those frozen limbs because even if your arms are broken, at least they’d be swaying. Alas, it’s your own, damn fault the stoic statue is you and that you fell in the peanut butter in the first place because you saw the sign, the one that says, “Caution: Peanut Butter Straight Ahead.” Or maybe people keep saying you saw it and you start to believe that they’re right even though you’re sure you don’t know how you ended up here in the first place.

Yes, I’ve decided to be a sad, cynical girl this evening, mostly because I’m not tired yet and need to do something, anything to feel like I’m getting something done. Of course, I’m not doing anything productive at all like working on my résumé or writing my book or practising for my audition (although I have been doing a lot of that) or embroidering or stretching or doing the dishes. Nope, all that is far too much work, so I just spiral further and further down the snake tail, winding up at number 4 when I was at 52 previously.

I will say one thing: I’m loving my imagery right now.

That is all.




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Looking 25 in the Face

I sit on my couch on the eve of my 25th birthday, not wanting to go to sleep, but not having any reason to stay awake either. So, here I come to my trusty blog to write nonsense and… nothing at all, really. It feels weird to know that tomorrow at 7:31am I will be a quarter century old. Doesn’t that just sound old? Granted, I’ve been working up to saying that I’m 25 by telling people I’m “almost 25,” so simply saying the phrase “twenty-five” isn’t the weird thing. It’s that I used to think that 25 was so old, mature, and professional, and I feel anything but. I used to think that by the time I was 25 I’d be an established professional, no doubt working as an actress in the Edmonton theatre community. I used to think that by 25 I would perhaps be in a steady relationship on its way to marriage. I used to think that I would know what I’d want.

But now that I’m looking 25 in the face, I see the truth, and the truth is that I still don’t know what I’m doing. I’m not an established, professional actress, and I don’t know that I want to be one anymore. I’m certainly no closer to marriage than I was 10 years ago, and it may take several more years before I feel like I’m ready for such a commitment. Instead I find myself three years out of university preparing to go back to university for schooling that won’t get me a job any easier than my first degree.

Sometimes I really wonder what in the world I’m thinking.

It all comes down to discernment. I read an article late last year about that very subject. See, the gentleman who wrote it spoke about discernment coming after making a decision, not before, and that completely blew my mind! It’s what spurred me to finally bite the bullet and decide to study Eastern Christian Theology at the Sheptytsky Institute in Ottawa. The closer I come to actually leaving Edmonton again, however, the more I wonder if my decision was a good one. Obviously I don’t know anything yet because I haven’t started my studies, but still the thought resides. I think it’s mostly just anticipation for a new life once again and being anxious for change. Another thing I learn by the time I’m 25: I’m not as rooted as I thought I was.

Hmm… this makes me think about other things that I’ve learned over the past 25 years, things like
1. Don’t touch a hot stove (Age 2)
2. Being called a crybaby only makes you cry harder (Age 6)
3. If you hit your brother and then scream that he hit you, he will get in trouble, not you (Age 10)
4.  A diary always helps you feel better (Age 12)
5. The world sucks, but you have to keep going (also Age 12)
6. Skid row actually isn’t so bad, though the nearest bathrooms totally are (Age 16)
7. You’re never going to get a man by standing aside and doing nothing (In theory–Age 19; in practise–have yet to learn)
8. You actually are pretty cool (Age 22)
9. So are your parents (Age 24)

Above all else, I’ve learned that I am actually a pretty resilient person, much braver than I thought I was, and capable of loving deeply. Though I have all this uncertainty in my life, let me consider this a blessing and just another example of the adventure I have invited into my life. No, I have no idea where I’m going and what the next 25 years will bring. But I do know hope, and looking forward, that hope shines like a beacon. Now, only to remember it in my old age.


Joyanne <:D

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