A Smorgasbord of Thought

You know, I haven’t written here in quite a while and every single time I finally have something to say, it’s usually when I’m out and about, and when I finally get home, the thought is gone and I’m left wracking my brains trying to figure out what the heck I was trying to say. Don’t you hate writer’s block? Or maybe it’s just what happens when you grow older (insert people much older than I groaning maliciously). Plus, my head is so crammed full of stuff lately that I don’t even know how anything that I’d have to say would make any sense because I probably would be jumping around all over the place. Granted, that’s what I usually do in any case, so I guess such a post isn’t inherently out of place here.

Alright. Here goes.

The first thing that I keep thinking of is my upcoming trip to Ireland. Well, to be completely honest, I’m actually moving there as part of a working holiday. In January. That’s in a little over one month! I am completely excited to finally be out of here. Have I mentioned that I have lived in the same house for the entirety of my 23 years 3 months and 14 days? It’s time to get out, especially when I look back on this year and feel as though I’ve done nothing. Okay, so this is a complete overstatement because this past year was filled with quite a few memorable events, but throughout this year, I’ve still felt stifled and stuck on the inside, as if I’ve been in one place too long, which I have been. It’s just such a great feeling to know that I’m finally doing something with my life. What I’m doing with my life, I have no idea, but for right now all I need to know is that I’m getting on a plane at the beginning of January and moving across the pond to the land of leprechauns, banshees, and Guinness.

To move along on this path of moving on once this coming year hits (oh, right, I just remember the world is supposed to end on December 21, isn’t it? Although I did hear that some scientists actually discovered that the Mayan calendar was wrong since according to it the world should have ended five years ago, or something like that. You can really tell I got an A+ in my Research and Critical Writing course in the fourth year of my degree. But I digress)… Sorry; just had to reread what I was saying before the massive sidebar that preceded this little insert. Ah, right, well, since it’s now December, I’ve been thinking a lot about the resolutions I made at the beginning of this year and the immediate thought that comes to mind is, “You suck at resolutions.” Why, thank you, little voice inside Joyanne’s head (don’t worry… it’s not like a little voice that tells me to do dangerous things; I’m not schizophrenic. The voice is more like a conscience. Ah… more digressions), how very sweet of you to be super pessimistic and make me feel like crap. But when I actually looked back at the resolutions I wrote down (which actually did happen at the end of last year, not the beginning of this year), I’m actually surprised that I haven’t done too, too bad. Okay, so some didn’t quite work out (I still spend a lot more time looking down at my shoes than into strangers’ eyes), but some of the stuff on the list I actually managed to do. The exercising thing, though I didn’t always do it when I should have, I did do some, which is a step in the right direction (as I tell many of my friends, “baby steps”).  Doing what is necessary has also helped me discern how I do things as much as how much I do things, and have also helped keep my emotions in check (more about this soon). Of course, I have also been continuing with this blog for the last year, though I admit I haven’t been as proactive on this front as I wanted to be. But the fact that I’ve come in to update things every now and again has been satisfying, and it’s wonderful that people have taken the time to read what I’ve had to say, as obscure and redundant as it may be.

Right, now about this controlling emotions thing… Sure, I’ve been able to kind of quell anger at times when I felt it wasn’t appropriate, but sometimes I feel like I feel nothing, as if I’ve gotten so good at deeming which emotions are necessary that I just don’t feel anything at all because I don’t think any emotions are particularly necessary. I don’t think this is a good thing. I can’t remember where I read it (most likely Relax and Succeed on Facebook; Scott McPherson has some awesome posts on his Facebook page), but I read something that said (paraphrased, of course), “Choosing not to feel the wonderful emotions because you’re afraid that suddenly you will be disappointed won’t make the bad emotions feel any less awful. It’s the good emotions that help one bear it when the bad emotions hit.” I’d forgotten that idea until I was driving home from a meeting today and all of a sudden I thought to myself, “Shit.” I thought I’d been so far ahead of the game, not letting things bother me, not getting caught up in ‘fiddle-faddle’ and nonsense. In reality, I was just stopping myself from living like a human being. That really sucks, knowing that you’re acting more like a robot than a human being.

Wow. This just got really heavy all of a sudden. I told you my brain is all over the place. A smorgasbord of thought, if you will.

Anyhow, in light of these new realizations, I’ve decided I really don’t want to make any resolutions this year, except for one (and no, it’s not “Make no resolutions”…). One of my good friends just returned from a trip to Ukraine and she had a wonderful experience where she ended up at the top of a mountain with a peace that told her to “just be.” That’s what I want this year to be about: just being. Because, if you think about it, that’s all we’re supposed to do in life, just be who we are and got on with living. It’s not about getting that job or raise, or buying that fancy new car or house, or making sure that special someone in your life finally pops the question. It’s just about being.

So, as The Beatles say, “Let It Be.”

Have a wonderful day!

Joyanne 😀

P.s. I have no idea what I just said, so good on you if you get through it!